I felt it necessary to put this information out for men who are still trying to find a good woman in the dating world. I have met several of these types of women in my lifetime. If you happen to meet any woman who exhibits any of these characteristics run for the hills. Understanding and learning about these red flags are our only defense. These are sick individuals who need therapy and will only mess up your life if you allow them in.
The questions and answers below come from a forum online where this guy feels he has met one of these BPD women and is asking the forum members for advice. I pulled out his question along with a few answers given by the forum membership, you can visit the forum if you wish, the thread title links you to the actual forum. I hope this bit of info helps by enlightening men and women about what can happen if you happen to meet anyone with these traits.
I also included some helpful links to knowledgeable sites at the end of this article that can further explain the complicated world of BPD. Before we start, below is a person's opinion of what can happen when you break away from these sort of folks. - Ernest
One person's opinion of these types of people:
"Why didn't they just break it off sooner? What was the point of dragging it out until the bitter end?" One of the biggest questions after a psychopathic relationship is: “Why didn't they just break it off sooner?” They spend months lying, cheating, and courting a new target. They criticize you and give you the silent treatment, acting as if the demise of the relationship is all your fault. But they already found someone new. They already decided to replace you. So the question is, why didn't they just dump you?
What was the point of dragging it out until the bitter end? This is where psychopathic relationships branch away from anything you've ever encountered. They want to watch you suffer. They want to watch you self-destruct. They want you to believe you're jealous & crazy, even though they're the ones cheating on you. At some points, you may even get the feeling they want you to dump them. But just when you finally reach a breaking point, they'll swoop back in with ambiguous sentiments and glimpses of the idealization phase. You'll convince yourself that there's still a chance, and suddenly they're in control again. The point is to keep you dragged along as long as possible, so they can use your increasingly volatile reactions to show their new target how “crazy” you are.
In the end, they choose the most indifferent & hurtful way imaginable to abandon you. You'll think it's due to insensitivity, or that they couldn't dump you because they didn't want to hurt your feelings. But the reality is just the opposite. They had plenty of chances to end things, but actively chose to maintain it and watch you suffer. No normal human being could willingly watch someone else beg & plead for them. Only psychopaths are capable of using someone else's devastating pain as a way to flatter someone else. Only psychopaths cheat on a partner and accuse them of being “jealous”. The answer to your question, Why? Because psychopaths are eternally bored. And because watching you scurry around for them temporarily alleviates that boredom. - Unknown
Long story short; a BPD didn't talk to me because she got all the attention she craved and completely devalued me. Now she wants me back to string me a long for attention (which I cannot ignore otherwise she will ignore me completely and get her attention fix of her boyfriend).
What do I need to do? I'm thinking of... umm. Maybe give her good/negative attention @ 50/50 (good shes hooked; negetive shes devalued). Like at the same time (your looking good tonight but your acting like a complete fucking retard).
She is making me a co-dependent friendzoned guy; because well BPD they have many male friends and LOTS friendzoned guys for backup (but they cheat like mental). Anyway look it up if you don't know. I'm so confused; BPD is so hard. We are ex's (6months; her new BF is 1month). I honestly just want sex @ a party with her that i'm going to.
Any advice? Thanks guys
I just broke up with a girl who told me about a month in that she had this same condition, which made a lot of sense because I thought she was playing a lot of games but actually she was just fucked in the head.
I would advise you to STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE CRAZIES.
However hot she is (mine was a solid 9, natural D breasts, 5 foot 11 in flats, perfect hourglass figure, perfect skin, thin but not too thin, and when she was in a good mood a really sparkling, fun no-bullshit personality), there's another girl even hotter who's totally sane, friendly and fun. Go find her instead. Take my advice from someone who's actually BEEN THERE.
Dude, I was involved with a BPD, and that was a complete f*cking nightmare... one I'm glad I woke up from.
The BPD loves to friendzone guys because it drives that final nail in the coffin by saying, 'You're not man enough to be my boyfriend'. And there you are -- thrown into her friendzone dungeon with the rest of her spineless man servants -- watching as she rubs her new rebound r/s in your face, or flirts with/screws her man servants to get under your skin.
Don't ever go there no matter how hot the BPD is, it will only f*ck you up even worse.
110% agree with this... never encountered anything so evil and soul reaving in my existence. If anything comes close to a real life vampire, then the BPD most definitely is it.
God help the new guy she's with; that guy should have stayed off the moors and stuck to the road.
It's been 5 months since I broke up with my ex and found myself trawling the internet to try and process her craziness.
I'm 99% sure she has BPD... and she's from WEST YORKSHIRE too! There could be some truth to your theory. which internet forum did you read this? btw Your ex wasn't called Gemma was she?
OP, as for re-engaging one, DONT BOTHER. I was with her for 5 months, the first month was amazing and then it started going downhill fast. I haven't spoken a single word to her in 5 months even though I think about her every day.
BPD's mirror you in the early stages, creating an illusion of a soul mate-like connection. Once you show them the love they crave and they know they have you on the hook, the head games will start. They will put you in constant no-win situations, lie, manipulate and infuriate you to the point of submission or walking out on them. Once the very short honeymoon period is over its all downhill and there is NO going back.
They crave love but are also terrified of abandonment so once they see your love for them they begin acting out, distancing, manipulating, because they think if someone LOVES them, they will ABANDON them.
They use INFANTILE strategies to cope with ADULT relationships because they are still emotionally 3 years old. There is no reasoning with them, there is no 'winning', there is no adjusting of your behaviour to appease them, NOTHING WILL WORK, they will always find a way to make things wrong between you.
They idolize you in the beginning because they crave your love, but then begin to devalue and resent you because you HURT them over and over due their unrealistic expectations of what a lover should be that NO ONE could ever live up to. For example, you don't return a text for an hour, or you go to the pub, you don't put enough sugar in her tea, these things = ABANDONMENT to them, and they will built up resentment towards you and then punish you. But not untill they see you are emotionally invested.
Also, they are full of shame and hate themselves, so as soon as you show them love, they lose respect for you, because how could you love such a worthless creature such as her, you must be even lower on the food chain.
They will project all of their self-loathing and resentment onto you and make YOU feel shameful and guilty about the whole relationship which is why you feel the intense need to RECONNECT with her and see her again, because you want to heal the shame and guilt she left you with.
She cannot heal these wounds, you have to process it within yourself because these feelings were ALREADY in you, which is why you gravitated to her in the first place. Emotionally healthy guys do not get involved and stay with BPD women, they get the fuck out of there. BPD women have a 6th sense for spotting guys with saviour mentalities, who have poor boundaries and will absorb all of their emotional bullshit.
Falling in love with a woman like this and then being put through the emotional treadmill is a massively painful experience but will also show you more about YOURSELF and make you stronger and more whole in the long run than any therapy or self exploration could. They are, in a weird way, an amazing opportunity for massive growth and healing of emotional pain from childhood. But like most things in life its no pain, no gain, so you have to endure massive pain to grow through into the other side where you will be a stronger, more emotionally strong person with more solid boundaries and self-esteem IF you process the pain they bring out within you.
I'm a better person for meeting her and wouldn't change a thing, but I still wouldn't advise anyone to get involved with a BPD, if you find yourelf gravitating to this kind of woman then you have issues and a distorted imprint of what a relationship is meant to be like, and if you don't address it and work through your shit, then you will find yourself again and again in painful fucked up relationships.
Look at all that shit I just felt compelled to write, and thats just a surface level skimming of whats in my head. Thats how much these girls fuck you up!
Once you break away, stay away! Unless you want more pain!
I think what would be good for us as a community would be to make a list of early signs that you are dealing with a person with a disorder.
For example MASSIVE mirroring of your values, seeking sympathy (my ex would talk ALL THE TIME about how her father died when she was 16), identifying with "noble" causes (global warming, helping the poor) while not doing ANYTHING about it (just talk talk talk - my ex would keep saying how she would "want to go to Africa for a year to help the poor" yet she would NEVER LIFT A FINGER for someone else and it was all BULLSHIT), over dramatic - impressionist style of speech (histrionic personality disorder) and highly developed language skills (both in writing and verbally) which is used to manipulate anything you (or anyone else) would say.
I want to say something else....
my ex really screwed me over. If I would tell you my story, you would think I made it up. It's fucked up beyond anything you can imagine. I have all the reasons to "hate that bitch" but the truth is that, more than anything, I feel sorry for her.
These people really are SICK. It IS a sickness. Like flu, like cancer, It's not their fault.... They lie and manipulate not only others but primarily themselves.
On top of that - it is very hard to face the fact that you have a mental problem because of all the associations involved with it. So then these people manipulate their own therapists to make it harder for them to get help and face reality.
It's just sad really, to get involved with someone like that. Learn the signs, stay away... but have sympathy for them.
You're the crazy one for wanting somebody with BPD in your life. I know therapists who would prefer working with psychopaths over somebody with BPD. You do realize one moment you'll be their best friend only to be their worst enemy the next. Why you'd want that in your life is beyond rational explanation. If she's a 'cutter' even more fun!
My ex had the same condition. I have nothing to add to what has already been said: STAY AWAY. Or at least, don't by any means fall in love with BPD-nutcase. Getting laid with them is easy. You take away a little bit of attention and they got even crazier than they already are.
At the party, give her attention and then take it away. You won't believe how that will fuck her up. And the next time you give her attention after that, will be your seduction phase.
So attention > take away attention > give attention, but this time seduce her.
Tip: stay away from the crazies. I've had my fair share of crazies. Their sex can be great though...
If you really wanna get her. Then don't give her the attention she craves. Always give her a bit less than she actually wants. Talk to her about subjects like sex, but act like you wouldn't wanna do her. Just tease her with it untill she HAS to do you.
Oh, and NEVER think you can change her. She will not change, ever. Don't fool yourself by thinking that .
An actual statement from a BPD Sufferer :
As a person who had BPD and recovered from it, I feel like I would be able to offer a useful perspective on this issue from the other side. The person who commented: “I fully beleive that the person with BPD knows full well what they did was wrong AFTER the fact and will attempt to “cover up” what they did and WILL THINK and PLAN of ways to do that” is absolutely correct, at least from what I remember from my own experience. Those in the active throes of BPD will not tell you this, but Borderlines very frequently know well what they are doing with regard to manipulation after the initial emotionally intense firestorm has passed. In the aftermath of the lack of impulse control, it basically then becomes a game of “ cover up my bad parts to avoid unbearable shame and abandonment”
I will explain:
When I had BPD, I would say things in the heat of the moment and not really be thinking about what I was doing, sort of like “autopilot” but afterwards, I would know full well that what I did in that emotional moment was wrong, out of line, sometimes completely sneaky and often emotionally abusive. I knew it deep in my heart but I would do nothing about it. I would feel very guilty, but still actively plan my strategy to avoid owning up to it like a little kid who doesn’t want mommy to realize that I actually broke her favorite vase, and not the cat. See what you must realize is, a person with BPD cannot simultaneously see themselves as both good and bad, just like they cannot see YOU as both good and bad. The thinking is black or white even for their own self, so basically the issue becomes “If I acknowledge that I am not perfect and did something very mean to my partner, that means I am 100 percent horrible and wicked and unlovable, and when the other person gets wind of it, they will abandon me”
So even when I knew later on that I had done wrong, my ego was far too fragile to accept any wrongdoing whatsoever on my part, and I had to just use denial, projection, etc. to feel like I was in the right and fully justified. This served two purposes: One was that I would not fall into crushing self-loathing at the unbearable realization that there were ACTUALLY parts of me capable of being cruel, and the second reason for me realizing my guilt, but not admitting it or changing it was not wanting my badness to be “found out”, lest the person leave me. That was far too much to risk, so I would just rely on my old “bag of tricks” to keep them around. It was all I knew how to use to survive with my underdeveloped ego. So later, I would realize how wrong I was, but would knowingly try to cover my tracks with all sorts of dramatic gaslighting and planned manipulation to keep the other person from figuring out that it was actually ME who was totally wrong and out of line.
As long as they questioned themselves and wondered if it was all their fault; as I would so often say it was, I would be protected from the crushing reality of my own flaws. Since I didn’t realize back then that I could sometimes make horrible mistakes, but still be an okay person who can be loved by someone, the idea of simply owning up to my wrongdoing was unthinkable. So the manipulation which came after the fact was a plan to avoid having my “sins” exposed either to the other person or, most importantly, to myself. I think this is the true reason why those with BPD will say
“I can’t stand it when people say those with BPD are manipulative. That is nothing but a myth” I used to say that too, but it was because I was in denial even to myself. To maintain any self-esteem at all, I needed to maintain the “all white” image of myself as a person who was not even remotely capable of doing that, so I would get very angry when anyone would make any statement which threatened this image. I needed to believe it was nothing but a horrible stereotype to avoid the reality of admitting to MYSELF that it was often quite true. From my personal experience, the true BPD problem is not the emotional regulation issues, but rather the severe ego/identity issues which cause so much use of hurtful defense mechanisms in relationships.