She Needs Space....Really?
I created this site as a guide to relationships, art and poetry. I've been studying relationships between men and women for sometime now. I've noticed that some people are really suffering and are given bad information from people who don't have a clue. Well I decided to post this man's story and the answers he was given to his personal plight.
The first answer is garbage to me, but the second answer is totally correct. At the end of this post I linked to Doc Love's article on this exact subject, as well as a link to the actual post. Enjoy.
You judge for yourself if the answers given make sense. (Ejai)
Girlfriend says she needs space, time, and to focus on herself.
My ex and I were supposed to see each other on Halloween and she was gonna stay over, but didn't even call. So i text her at 2, like are we still doing that? and she sent this (apparently faked) drunk text saying she feels sick and is about to take a cab home, when she's really at her friends house partying. So, the next day i hit her up like what was good with that, whats going on and she starts to cry on the phone, and says she can't do the relationship, and that because she's getting busier and busier with new classes and work, she only has about 1 or 2 days a week to herself and because she likes me so much, i'm always on her mind and the feeling that she's constantly disappointing me by not spending enough time with me is actually giving her panic attacks, (which she does get, sometimes to the degree that she has to breathe into a paper bag) and that with her upcoming responsibilities on the horizon, she knows that if we stay together we're going to break up anyway.
She said that she really cares about me and the thought of never seeing me again scares the hell out of her, but right now she just needs time to herself to organize her responsibilities and get on the track she feels she needs to be on, she's turning 24 and i think she's freaking out about it. I'm 22. She said that if we were to stay together and break up then we'd never talk again or see each other again and she doesn't want that to be what becomes of us so i asked her, what does that mean though, how does that make sense. why can't we work it out and just see each other when we can? and she said that it's an obligation that she doesn't know how to fulfill, because she can't let me know when were going to see each other because she doesn't know when shes able to. So i said are we actually going to see each other again? and she said yeah. so i said, well we're not friends. we're a couple and she sounded hurt. she was like we're not friends? So i said we are, but not platonic i don't want to be doomed to being that. can we still mess around? and she said "if we can, maybe. i don't know" what she meant by that- i think- is if the feelings don't mess her head up. either that, or no. At which point i totally caved and told her i love her, but to no avail.
She said we should give it some time before talking to or seeing each other again, a week or so,and she was said in this time I'll probably stalk you on face book and cry a lot. she was like, you can call me in 4 days if you have to and i was like, uh ok. Well im sorry it has to be this way... bye.
And thats where it left off.
It's been a week and a day now, and she hasn't contacted me. Her status updates on facebook are mostly positive and she seems unaffected by this whole thing from the outside, but who knows how she really feels. I'd like to think she thinks about me to some degree but i have no way of knowing. Anyway, my question is should i let her know we can be friends? Or continue to wait and see if she contacts me? Which is wiser? I feel that if i play my time right, we can be something in the future, be it friends, friends with benefits, or a relationship again one day. Before all of this confusion, she was pretty into me, saying things like "are you tired of me yet?" and "you're so handsome" or "i love when you talk, because you're such a complete person" or "you're amazing". Then it just totally flipped 180 and is now nothing. We had so many moments, and i know she felt it too. I feel it'd just be a big waste to let that all turn in to nothingness. We dated for 3 months but they were a great 3 months until her anxieties started to mess it all up.
["can we still mess around? and she said "if we can, maybe. i don't know."]
How can you say you love her after admitting to this? First off...you asking "can we still fool around" when she's breaking things off for a little while just imprints in her mind that you are just out for the sex.
Maybe you should ask yourself...are you? Is that all you want? Usually if someone loves someone else, the biggest concern they have is loosing that person from their life.
["We dated for 3 months but they were a great 3 months until her anxieties started to mess it all up."]
Okay...way to be a supporter of her mental problems. You already said she has panic attacks. Maybe she genuinely feels anxiety about everything and needs you to understand. Maybe it's the best thing for her to be free from thinking so much, and be a little carefree. You should wish the best for her rather than pass things off as "her anxieties going to mess things up".
Do a little more thinking on how you feel for her.
Don't waste your time. There seem to be a lot of naive people on this website. So many of these posts pertain to relationships that are not really relationships, more worthless, pointless, fruitless and dysfunctional situations that should end.
Forget your feelings, which are fantasy built up in the head about a person who doesn't care, doesn't reciprocate and is probably interested in leaving/using someone/being alone/finding someone else/getting an ex back. Use some logic. The posts answer the questions they ask.
Like those battered women who keep going back and complain he is a ****, but she loves him. She criticizes him but defends him, for no sane reason anyone can think of. And she is usually the nice, helpless, overprotected girl who likes drama, lives in fantasyland, is addicted to love, co-dependent, a doormat and totally incapable of being without a bad boy (sexy, hot or whatever) because they think nice guys are wimps and not sexy, just *****. Apparently, a bad boy is a diamond in the rough who needs polishing-she is the exception-he will love her once her love gets through to him and love her back--he doesn't mean it-she is responsible-he will change and she will be the one to change him **** that they feed into their heads.
Sad but true-people on this website should trade each other's posts and read them. They will get the point quickly. Don't be a doormat.
MY FINAL THOUGHTS
If anyone who claims to love you demands space away from you take it as an indicator that they are no longer into you. A person in love with you wants more of you, not less, if someone says this to you then start packing, it's just a matter of time before the next words are...we are through. (Ejai)
- Do Love article on this subject: She Needs Space (Doc Love) Askmen.com
- Actual Link: http://www.relationshiptalk.net/girlfriend-says-she-needs-space-time-and-to-focus-on-herself.-3238331.html#6